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Getting ready for a Biker Rally - The difference between men & women

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Three weeks before;

  • Book hair, nail, eyebrow appointment
  • Buy hair colour
  • Search e-bay for new outfit
  • Look at your womanly physique in the mirror... decide that you need to lose a stone in 3 weeks, so make mental note to do workout, sit-ups, squats, etc, every day
  • Save small amount of your favourite toiletries, face cleanser, toner, eye make up remover, day cream, night cream, eye cream, factor 15 for the face and factor 8 for the body (the sun WILL come out), body lotion, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, hair product one (to give it body), hair product two (to make it straight), hair product three (to make it glossy) hair product four (so it does not frizz), hair product five (to keep it in place)

Two weeks before;

  • Buy new outfit (two of just in case) off e-bay, found using searches such as 'Biker babe', 'biker rally outfit', 'black goth', 'black basque ladies', etc...
  • Start tan-tastic preparations, scrub flesh and moisturise

The week before;

  • Dye hair, hair cut, buy new hair product
  • Eyebrows waxed
  • Manicure (and pedicure if its summer)
  • Apply self-tanning creams (unless goth)
  • Look in shops for a new outfit (just in case you see one you like better than the two you bought last week)

The day before;

  • Sort out the clothing you are taking into piles
  • The clothing you are wearing on a hanger
  • All other items hidden, so that your Victor Meldrew husband does not say "Do you think you are taking that lot for two days!"

The day of;

  • Face pack, condition hair, shave armpits and legs, apply make up with no mascara (to avoid panda eyes on the way in gail force winds)
  • Try to pack 10 tops, three pairs of jeans, 3 sets of matching underwear, toiletries (as above), towel (the size of a small country) into small bag
  • Text mates to see if they are taking hairdryers and/or straighterners as you realise you have gone over your allocation baggage allowance
  • Moisturise whole body, get dressed putting on extra layers of clothing that you could not fit into small bag
  • Put extra items you forgot to pack into coat pockets


  • Put tent on bike
  • Take toothbrush if longer than one night
  • Moan at woman at the amount of luggage she is taking for two nights
  • Put on 'Rally' pants, club t and leather vest
  • Go...

Of course those apologies to all women who are lower maintenance and men who are higher...

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