Biker Jokes and other funny stuff
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".
Frustrated, Brian stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Maria, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Maria looked up and exclaimed, "Brian, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Brian yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARIA?" "Nope" she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Without changing her expression, Maria replied, "Shoulda bought a new helmet Brian!"
Three weeks before;
- Book hair, nail, eyebrow appointment
- Buy hair colour
- Search e-bay for new outfit
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror... decide that you need to lose a stone in 3 weeks, so make mental note to do workout, sit-ups, squats, etc, every day
- Save small amount of your favourite toiletries, face cleanser, toner, eye make up remover, day cream, night cream, eye cream, factor 15 for the face and factor 8 for the body (the sun WILL come out), body lotion, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, hair product one (to give it body), hair product two (to make it straight), hair product three (to make it glossy) hair product four (so it does not frizz), hair product five (to keep it in place)
Two weeks before;
- Buy new outfit (two of just in case) off e-bay, found using searches such as 'Biker babe', 'biker rally outfit', 'black goth', 'black basque ladies', etc...
- Start tan-tastic preparations, scrub flesh and moisturise
The week before;
- Dye hair, hair cut, buy new hair product
- Eyebrows waxed
- Manicure (and pedicure if its summer)
- Apply self-tanning creams (unless goth)
- Look in shops for a new outfit (just in case you see one you like better than the two you bought last week)
The day before;
- Sort out the clothing you are taking into piles
- The clothing you are wearing on a hanger
- All other items hidden, so that your Victor Meldrew husband does not say "Do you think you are taking that lot for two days!"
The day of;
- Face pack, condition hair, shave armpits and legs, apply make up with no mascara (to avoid panda eyes on the way in gail force winds)
- Try to pack 10 tops, three pairs of jeans, 3 sets of matching underwear, toiletries (as above), towel (the size of a small country) into small bag
- Text mates to see if they are taking hairdryers and/or straighterners as you realise you have gone over your allocation baggage allowance
- Moisturise whole body, get dressed putting on extra layers of clothing that you could not fit into small bag
- Put extra items you forgot to pack into coat pockets
- Put tent on bike
- Take toothbrush if longer than one night
- Moan at woman at the amount of luggage she is taking for two nights
- Put on 'Rally' pants, club t and leather vest
Of course those apologies to all women who are lower maintenance and men who are higher...
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Woman, leave me alone, I'm married !"
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says, "Okay damm it, I'll do the dishes!"
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club". The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool.. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table".
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?". The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least two packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool". The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times!"
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you exhibited courage?", St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"Once I came upon a group of Bikers who were bothering a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and meanest looking one. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to be naked at home.
• You are so sexy when you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No, No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That's enough! I don't wanna go for shopping anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ....I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen, a new lapdancing club opened in town. Why don't we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.
The nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h". The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
- You call your bike your woman
- Your best friends are named after animals. i.e.: Otter, Rabbit, Turkey, etc...
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- Every left shoe you own has a black spot on it from the shift lever.
- You owned three different bikes before you ever owned a car.
- You think Easy Rider has held up pretty well after all these years.
- When you refer to Captain America, you mean the bike and not the comic book hero.
- You know that Marlon Brando rode a Triumph in The Wild One and not a Harley-Davidson.
- You also know that it was Lee Marvin who rode the Harley in The Wild One.
- Your idea of jewellery is chains and barbed wire.
- You watch bike shows on TV while relaxing in your armchair, drinking beer and buying bike gear off the internet.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in case you have to park your bike on uneven ground.
- You pull have bike parts in your house and clean them as if they are ornaments.
- You don't know how to turn on the washing machine, but you have four different kinds of cleaners for your bike.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- You wave at bikers even when you are in your car.
- Your three piece suit consists of leather trousers, a leather vest, and a leather jacket.
- Your other suit is a rain suit.
- You wake up next to your other half and your first thought is if your bike will start.
- You plan your holidays to Florida to coincide with the rally at Daytona.
- You take your kids for a ride on your bike before they can walk.
- You can't remember your kids' names or birthdays, but you can remember that Harley-Davidson made the Knucklehead, Pan head, Shovelhead, Evolution, and Twin Cam 88.
- You are currently wearing two or more articles of clothing that have a Harley-Davidson label in them.
- Your screen saver on your phone/computer is a Motorbike.
- The staff at the Harley store know you by name.
- Your tent is blue.
Born to Be Blind - This video says everything about the heart and soul of riding a Harley-Davidson Motorbike! Go see...
Easy Rider - The Byrds - Wasn't Born to Follow Go see...
Harley-Davidson Badass Santa Claus Go see...
I saw you;
• hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn't see me put an extra £10 in the collection plate last Sunday.
• pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local church.
• change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my bike parked out front. But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.
• roll up your windowand shake your head when I rode by. But you didn't see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.
• frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.
• stare at my long hair. But you didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.
• roll your eyes at our leather jackets and gloves. But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none.
• look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my children where born or have their name written over and in my heart.
• change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn't see me going home to be with my family.
• complain about howloud and noisy our bikes can be. But you didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
• yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn't see me pat my child's hands knowing she was safe behind me.
reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.
race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.
• run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But you didn't see signaling to turn right.
• cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn't see me leave the road.
• waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see me. I wasn't there.
• go home to your family. But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me of...
I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But you didn't see me.
Think! Motorcycle Safety - Go see... Motorbike road safety video offering safe biking tips for UK bikers.